Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tired, not Sleepy.

12:25 AM Posted by Patrick 11 comments

*Point of no return*

I am at war. There is no enemy except the one within, and my task is not to fight him, but to keep him disciplined. The most annoying thing about this battle is that, in my everyday surroundings, the longer and better that I hold my discipline the more it becomes a burden. It is abnormal in the eyes of society, and abnormality is a grievous sin. I will not comply and my non-compliance is often misconstrued as dysfunction.

I do not have a girlfriend.

There is a lot of weight in that phrase. Healthy American males of my age are expected to form romantic attachments. If they do not form any attachments of this kind, it is often thought that 1) We are not sufficiently attractive, or, 2) We are merely anti-social. What on earth could possibly be wrong with me? Why is that child unable/unwilling to attract a mate? Has he been gelded? Is he afraid???

My pride would just as soon answer them by doing as they expect. What better way to shut them up than to give up and form the expected romantic attachment.

That pride, however, is directly attached to the reason I have never yet developed such an attachment.

I am, whether you have seen this side or not, an extremely emotional, passionate, person. The only reason you see this is a need to vent because of my wounded pride. I form strong attachments easily, just as I can come to hate your guts on a whim. You are either family, or a nuisance. On top of all this, as some of you well know, my self control is not always the most satisfactory. You see at all where this is going? No?

If you are somehow blind, deaf, or mentally afflicted, you may have failed to notice that I am, or aspire to be, a little old fashioned. I am not only a religious zealot, I am also a total romantic. I want to fall in love once, share my bed with one woman, and do so until I die. I am a virgin and I intend to remain that way until I am married. Furthermore, I have no intention of getting married until I am in such a position that my as-yet-non-existent affianced be able to work or stay home as she wishes.

I have absolutely no desire to form a powerful attachment when I think I am years from being ready to form a family. I'm twenty, a virgin, and human; not to mention that it is generally assumed at my age that dating and sex go hand in hand. I have no desire to form a fleeting liaison to fulfill "needs." I will hold on, discipline myself, and wait until I can form something lasting. I do not deceive myself into thinking that I will find any idyllic 'happily ever after' situation, but (here are my greeks again) I aim for perfection, that when I fall short, it is good.

Now, since I have a good head of steam.

Those who read here already know this, but it feels good to write it in a moderately public place.

I am a twenty year old male, not yet at my peak. I have a strong body and a strong mind. I prize education and moderation. I am deeply religious. I am proud, stubborn, and self-confident. I am not a fool. I am not ignorant of the depth of my self denial; those who are not twenty year-old male virgins are those who do not understand. I am not silly, prudish, or quaint. I am principled, self-disciplined, and educated. I have reasons for the things that I do, and while I respect your right to judge me, I reserve the right to scorn the judgment of any who volunteer it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Fellow Employees

9:24 PM Posted by Patrick 1 comment
I should note that not all areas of my work are disappointments. The fellow employees are more than decent and my time is normally spent in constant movement.

The suit guys are some of my favorites. Tom is the picture of quiet dignity; Mike is hilarious; Dave is a study in confidence and charisma; and Greg is probably the most positive and friendly person in the store.

In the Mature Men's area the regulars are: Cathy, who is on the quiet side, but polite; Kim H, who is the most competent and useful person in the area; and Kim K, who makes for excellent conversation.

Young Adult's regulars are: Tony, a geek, with whom I feel kinship; Josh...yeah, Josh; Kurtis, who is a wellspring of sexually explicit comebacks; and Kirk, who manages to maintain dignity and be on fire for the lord at the same time, which is to say, unique.

The Floaters including: Me, my favourite person in the store, bar none; Heather, who seems to have Jacqui's disease and begins shivering violently every time we cool the building enough for the metal racks to stop glowing; Amy=energy.

The supervisors: Tabbitha, whom everybody loves. She's nice, but she has a jello spine. Denise is forceful, no bull, and cuts straight to the point. Denise gets things done. Lynn, the head of our department, knows everything. She is remarkably patient with stupidity, but she is not someone to mess with.

LP: Jim is a retired cop. He is quiet, calm, and amazingly unobtrusive; he heads our security side. Gabe the MP. Possibly my favourite besides Winston. He is funny, with a little nerdy, and just a touch of biker dude. Kim, the queen of loss prevention.

Children's: All of them are crazy anorexics who apparently have religious issues with eating fat. I'll take things upstairs for them, but I don't stick around long enough to catch the crazy...Tisha is okay though.

The other Honchos: Joe, my favourite "other honcho" sort of like a taller, preppier, version of my uncle Todd. Deanna, Devil Wears Prada, Streep, kapische. Pat is the person who trained me, and she is pretty decent, but has the air of someone forever tired...might it be because she is in charge of keeping all of our buggy terminals working? Janie is in charge of aesthetics, which means that she is another anorexic, perpetually clad in black leather with boots longer than my legs. Javonte...he really does think he is God's gift to womankind. I actually like him though, at least he knows his captain smooth gig is funny. The Other I know is the manager in training, Jessica, sie ist ein Besserwisser. We're okay, which is a relief, considering that we met when I accidentally created a bunch of work for her.

Enough, there are more, but I am ready to go eat something.

...Which reminds me of my other mother, Winston, threatening to force feed me earlier.

Monday, September 13, 2010

People: 1 More Reason I Don't Like Them Anymore

4:32 PM Posted by Patrick No comments
I realize that I should write much more often, but this work thing can be a little more intense than I first imagined, especially when coupled with school. Energy wanes and never waxes leaving me with this moderately irritable mood and a desire to see a large part of the American public beaten.

There is a pettiness that seems to reside in a great part of the customers I work with; a general attitude that says that you will meet their demands, or that they will make your life more difficult. That I am required to be polite to people who intentionally make my life harder galls me. There are many 40-year-old men who are in need of a good dressing down; they act like spoilt children, throw tantrums when they don't get their way, and treat us poorly when their screw-up goes beyond what we can fix.

A woman who came in on Sunday brought back well worn clothing without a receipt and demanded a return. She was, of course, turned down. She then held conference with her teens, which conference ended with them making a half dozen messes out of recently reordered clothes and leaving.

I was not the only person talking about strangling them, but that would be against policy, as well as any other kind of action.

It is little episodes like this that make me very tired and put me in a standoffish/near homicidal mood. These moments also teach me a little of the way in which I was sheltered. My friends, family, general community in which I grew up, were and are made of of largely considerate individuals who would find the aforementioned behavior appalling. There has been a paucity of really, petty, selfish, and uncouth people in my life. More importantly, I was never in a position where those kinds of people had power to do anything against me. I am further angered by knowing that I could have stopped the family in the example with a few direct sentences, but those aren't allowed at Penney's. We're just supposed to get rid of our spine and let the people walk over us, nevermind that it is not the managers, but the zone associates who had to work like maniacs to clear it up.

But look at me sitting here talking, there's science to be done!