Tuesday, July 20, 2010

And on the Second Day...

10:55 PM Posted by Patrick No comments
...Learned he many useless things, but he was on the clock, and it was good.

I learned--from a small cadre of utility team members--that my coming was long foretold. I am apparently expected to cast a couple of obnoxious co-workers into my shadow, even into the outer darkness thereof. Apparently my future division is home to a couple blockheads who don't like actual work, and who feel that utility should do some of their work. Utility, in the common tongue, translates to Winston. Funny.

I had more time and better opportunity to get the measure of some of my future co-workers today. I've been back behind the closed doors of the training area this whole time, so when my lunch break came around, I slunk out through a side exit and came back in and played customer. Some of my fellow employees were incredibly friendly, much better than the peops in the training videos (gag me with a serrated pitck-fork). There were others, however, that had guessed my secret; they knew that I would, in fact, be irresistibly compelled to go for their throats if they made eye contact with me. Very clever of them to avoid such a catastrophe.

I'm afraid that it was a complete mess later when I did the secret shop. I wandered around for ten minutes without getting an offer of help. I finally found a guy in the Men's department and made an attempt to get his attention. Finally, I began walking up behind him. As I got closer, he turned around and made eye contact....




*Harumph-Ahem*

Well.
Yes.
Anyway.

The cash registers are a different species entirely, especially when they are malfunctioning and your instructions don't actually work. I did fine none-the-less.

National Youth Gathering

10:48 PM Posted by Patrick No comments
So, tell me. If that warm feeling that you have while you sit there flapping your arms around is the Peace of God; then what do you think it means when the world seems so very cold and lonely?

Just a Thought....

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Helpless Beauty

10:01 PM Posted by Patrick 14 comments
My sister is sitting here watching BYU-TV (Mormon) channel. She is watching a program that rivals NCIS in terms of the skill with which the dialogue is delivered. I am sitting here gagging on my own bile and she sits there enjoying it.

As often happens in such cases as these, my memory of certain incidents is suddenly coming back very strong. I think I'll share.

You know how literature set in the Regency and Victorian eras is replete with women who swoon all over creation, are dead sure that their minor medical issues are terminal, and fret over bad vapours. I always thought these were a myth and very clearly exaggerated. You might have noticed the same.

This particular kind of female still exists, though not nearly in the quantities that writers describe in the aforementioned eras. Today I am going to share my observations on a modern specimen of this variety, who, for convenience sake, we will call Bethany.

On one particular instance this young woman--having eaten enough Chinese food to feed Haiti--proceeded to go yowling around the family room asking after the location of her appendix, which was clearly about to rupture. Having ascertained its location, she quickly switched her hands over to the appropriate side and proceeded to moan piteously; this continued until her incredibly clever observing physician started needling her, which acted almost as a heavenly tonic upon her afflicted system. In that very moment she was miraculously healed and was able to set to the good work of attempting to murder the mischievous physician.

While she was in that day saved from her appendix, it continues to rear its ugly head every few weeks and has become a regular companion.

Another common ailment is the foot cramp. These can last several minutes and come sporadically over the course of a half hour, after which she immediately prescribes herself an evening of being waited on hand and foot, never mind that the butler gets them too....

Of late we have had a different problem entirely, one that is also mentioned in many settings. We have all heard of the fine lady who takes laudanum for her headaches. Now, put on your detective hats, because the circumstances of this case have been slightly different. Our subject has been feeling fatigued, anxious, and powerless, but these have shown marked improvement of late.

What do we know of that would diminish these, but cause bloody noses? Hmmm....

There are of course countless instances of swooning; days of languor, interspersed and shot through with moments of vitality; and an untold number of hours spent dancing around clutching her left side, worried that appendicitis has come for her at last...but I'm too lazy to write more right now.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Mall: a Scary Place.

12:50 PM Posted by Patrick 2 comments
It is a sad fact that I have neglected this blog, in spite of having some excellent ammunition thrown my way. I start to blog and just feel no motivation to finish.

The simple circumstances of my life have undergone only one major change, and that is the fact that I will be employed at JCPenny's by the end of the week. The interviews went swimmingly and met with nothing but dazzling smiles, at least, until I met with the area manager. She was one of those people who exudes cold confidence--think Meryl Streep in "The Devil Wears Prada"--and shows no sign of what she is thinking; she, too, in the end gave me a dazzling smile. So, barring a felony or two on my record, I will be in the men's department in a few short days.

On another note, I have forgotten how to hula-hoop; this must be rectified.

Because of these interviews I spent an unusually long span of time in the mall, which experience was harrowing, to say the least. I could not help but notice all of the grotesquely young, unwed, and practically unclothed mothers who were walking around with an armful of illegitimacy. What really bugged me were the few of them whose illegitimates did not have any real clothing on; that is, only a diaper. There might be a certain maternal instinct that exists, but it is no comparison to experience and wisdom. I don't think anyone is ever completely ready for a child, but some people are more naturally suited and others more prepared. I cannot believe that those 15-16-17 year-old mothers with unclothed children were prepared, and I sort of doubt that they have sought good council from those who are...I wonder if they have anywhere they could go for such council.

I just found it all depressing. Maybe I am wrong; they might have been exceptionally well prepared, with only appearances against them. I doubt it. I wonder what kind of life those children will live. In what will they place value? Will they grow up to be good citizens? Will they grow up to be good parents? I hope and pray that they will.

I learned something else in that mall. Store clerks practically drool when you enter their stores in a suit. They follow you, are obnoxiously solicitous, and practically bow as they shuffle away. I was practically dragged into one of the jewelry stores to examine their fine display of gentlemen's watches.

The other shoppers also treat you differently. The old men greet you and ask you how you are; the young men stare at something fascinating, which apparently resides just over your left shoulder; the women smile; and I am always addressed as "Sir," which is really funny...I admit, I like sir; it is a lot better than the normal "you," or, "hey."

I think this is good for now. I can blog more later, as it seems that my desrie to blog only gets stronger as I blog more.