Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tired, not Sleepy.

12:25 AM Posted by Patrick 11 comments

*Point of no return*

I am at war. There is no enemy except the one within, and my task is not to fight him, but to keep him disciplined. The most annoying thing about this battle is that, in my everyday surroundings, the longer and better that I hold my discipline the more it becomes a burden. It is abnormal in the eyes of society, and abnormality is a grievous sin. I will not comply and my non-compliance is often misconstrued as dysfunction.

I do not have a girlfriend.

There is a lot of weight in that phrase. Healthy American males of my age are expected to form romantic attachments. If they do not form any attachments of this kind, it is often thought that 1) We are not sufficiently attractive, or, 2) We are merely anti-social. What on earth could possibly be wrong with me? Why is that child unable/unwilling to attract a mate? Has he been gelded? Is he afraid???

My pride would just as soon answer them by doing as they expect. What better way to shut them up than to give up and form the expected romantic attachment.

That pride, however, is directly attached to the reason I have never yet developed such an attachment.

I am, whether you have seen this side or not, an extremely emotional, passionate, person. The only reason you see this is a need to vent because of my wounded pride. I form strong attachments easily, just as I can come to hate your guts on a whim. You are either family, or a nuisance. On top of all this, as some of you well know, my self control is not always the most satisfactory. You see at all where this is going? No?

If you are somehow blind, deaf, or mentally afflicted, you may have failed to notice that I am, or aspire to be, a little old fashioned. I am not only a religious zealot, I am also a total romantic. I want to fall in love once, share my bed with one woman, and do so until I die. I am a virgin and I intend to remain that way until I am married. Furthermore, I have no intention of getting married until I am in such a position that my as-yet-non-existent affianced be able to work or stay home as she wishes.

I have absolutely no desire to form a powerful attachment when I think I am years from being ready to form a family. I'm twenty, a virgin, and human; not to mention that it is generally assumed at my age that dating and sex go hand in hand. I have no desire to form a fleeting liaison to fulfill "needs." I will hold on, discipline myself, and wait until I can form something lasting. I do not deceive myself into thinking that I will find any idyllic 'happily ever after' situation, but (here are my greeks again) I aim for perfection, that when I fall short, it is good.

Now, since I have a good head of steam.

Those who read here already know this, but it feels good to write it in a moderately public place.

I am a twenty year old male, not yet at my peak. I have a strong body and a strong mind. I prize education and moderation. I am deeply religious. I am proud, stubborn, and self-confident. I am not a fool. I am not ignorant of the depth of my self denial; those who are not twenty year-old male virgins are those who do not understand. I am not silly, prudish, or quaint. I am principled, self-disciplined, and educated. I have reasons for the things that I do, and while I respect your right to judge me, I reserve the right to scorn the judgment of any who volunteer it.


  1. I'm crazy about that last half-sentence! Ditto to your mom and to what Jenny wrote on her blog about this post.

  2. You share my ideals. Great post!

  3. What you say for yourself should be appropriate for all males: "I have no intention of getting married until I am in such a position that my as-yet-non-existent affianced be able to work or stay home as she wishes."

    You refer to being able to provide for a wife and your household..... The same idea should be held true for a woman not seeking or bringing on the affections of a man who is unable to do these things. The propriety of the situation goes both ways and it is important for girls to be held to such standards also. Girls/women should not lead men from their proper course of action. All in due time.

    I cringe at the faltering of either party. Both must exhibit proper restraint.

    "I have absolutely no desire to form a powerful attachment when I think I am years from being ready to form a family." Bravo, Patrick!

  4. I've been scorning the judgment of those who volunteer it for a good while now, and it does get a bit easier as you get out of the college-age years. Actual adults seem to be more respectful of a man's autonomy, particularly when he explains that it is a result of genuine conviction. Even in the Army, where "fleeting liaisons" are entirely the norm, my explanation of my decision generally yields a thoughtful and accepting "Huh" rather than any particular disapproval or judgment.

  5. I couldn't be prouder of you!

  6. Nice Patrick! It's Winston. When I read the titile I was thinking it was going to be something different. Well said sir, and if you would like for me to hit anyone with my truck or hang them from their toes in the bell tower till the lay off just give me names. Also I just wanted to give you a word of encouragement, a few more years and you will be there man, be patcient. Remeber I am 23 so I know what it is like stay strong, and never settle.

  7. Well-said, Patrick, especially your points about discipline: that discipline, not necessarily total victory, is your stance toward the enemy. Discipline also takes many positive forms, such as pursuing activities and making friends which support you against temptation.

    I would say this also: you may be years from being ready to form a family, but don't assume that this has to be many years. A man of 20, 21, or 22 matures quickly, almost by social necessity. Don't be surprised if you do find yourself ready sooner than you have thought.

  8. Thank you for writing this, Patrick. I daresay it will mean a lot to many of your peers, both those you know personally and those you don't know but who are fortunate enough to read it. I am making it required reading for my two teenagers. Hmmm, maybe I'll print it off and laminate it so I can give it to the 6yo in about 10 years . . . .

  9. I'm making my almost 20-year old virgin read this so he can see that he's in good company. :-)

  10. Well written, Patrick! I agree with Gifford.