Bow Tie Guy.
Did I ever mention that I gave up my campaign to have our store carry Bow-Ties? While I have succeeded in talking a decent number of young men to wear bow-ties--my proof being their bow-tie clad figures coming to greet me while I worked--I find that I no longer wish to encourage too much in this direction.
I do not want the bow-tie to make a strong comeback; it is my own, personal, beloved, and distinctive swag. Not only is it my swag, but I am yet to come across anyone in my age range who really pulls it off as well as I do. Indeed, the only person I've seen who can do it better is the gentleman from whom I stole the look.
Now, let me make this very clear. I love my bow-ties, and it is perfectly understandable if you love my bow-ties too. You need, however, to realize that you cannot pull it off. Ok, I'm sure you looked cool enough in your plain clothes, but you do not have the bone structure to carry off that tie; it is eating your head; take it off. Your greasy hipster wannabe self just looks like a stereotypical creep in that tie. You are changing the default bow-tie wearer in people's head from me, to limp-wristed catamite. Knock it off!
Bow-ties, generally speaking, are a mistake. Carrying off a bow-tie is, on the one hand, about physique. You need to be a specimen that does not invite ridicule, neither a pip-squeak, nor an antediluvian neanderthal of local gym fame. You have to be the well carried average; a very tall or very short man in a bow-tie makes one reach for an umbrella to stop the inevitable jet of water that will issue from said tie. When you walk, did not shuffle, tromp, or sachet. You must walk like a man! Head up! Shoulders Straight! And, for the love of all that is good in this world, pick up your feet!
The other hand, physique is but one part of the Bow-Tie Ethos. Attitude and personality are the other half. A certain reserve is required or, once again, you may have people reaching for their umbrellas. If you are too reserved, you will have people looking over their shoulders for you as they unlock their doors at night; this is by no means a desirable effect. People want the guy in the bow-tie to be cheerful, but dignified. Deep down they really want to respect the bow-tie, but you must be moderately playful, lest you strike them dumb in grave awe.
To master the bow-tie is no little thing, grasshopper, but if you do, great rewards are yours for the taking. The man who wears his bow-tie well often enjoys, free coffee, excellent restaurant service, excellent service anywhere, a marked increase in thoroughly amusing flirtation, greater respect (often awe) from a large portion of mankind, assumed honesty, and a +5 bonus in all social interactions with ladies and black men between the ages of alive and dead.
On the marked downside, one does not receive the same kudos from large portions of the Onslow school of masculinity, but...sacrifices, sacrifices....
I can honestly say that life has been a lot more interesting since I donned my symbol of office (which office is "Bow-Tie Guy"). I am separate, memorable, and respected, which is quite a coveted set of attributes for a young man with a face that--unshaven--marks him younger than he actually is. I do not care for idea of a bow-tie trend because, at this moment, I am totally outside the lines of stereotypes. I am a physically fit, sociable, and moderately attractive young man, with my own distinct and bold, yet somehow classic, look. Not only that, but my manners and mannerisms match with the look, which, now that I've written all of this, might be the thing that actually separates me most, and frustrates me most about potential copy-cats. I feel a twist of anger and contempt when I hear the term--beg pardon, but I am not censoring tonight--motherfuckers, being used by the troglodytes who are wearing the bow-ties that I inspired them to buy.
Maybe in my head I was taking what I read in Paul Fussell too seriously. I believe in the power of uniform to civilize, and for me there is no article of menswear that bespeaks civility quite like the bow-tie, but I need to reflect; putting the physical incarnation of epicurean narcissism--the nineteen year-old American male--in a bow-tie will not turn him into a human being all at once. A bow-tie is not, after all, full military, dress style, uniform--complete with thirty six gleaming brass buttons
I am, however, selfish. I do not answer the above reflection with "give it time and more bow ties," but rather, "Oh noes, they are covering the symbol of office with their sub-simian first impressions. Hide the bow-ties!" I have a good thing going, and I don't think company is going to make it any better. So I now discourage many potential imitators, and have long since given over the fight to have bow-ties at work.
To try and summarize the above. Bow-ties, good. Young males, bad. Young mans get young mannishness on bow-tie; not good. Hide bow-ties. That's about it.
I do not want the bow-tie to make a strong comeback; it is my own, personal, beloved, and distinctive swag. Not only is it my swag, but I am yet to come across anyone in my age range who really pulls it off as well as I do. Indeed, the only person I've seen who can do it better is the gentleman from whom I stole the look.
Now, let me make this very clear. I love my bow-ties, and it is perfectly understandable if you love my bow-ties too. You need, however, to realize that you cannot pull it off. Ok, I'm sure you looked cool enough in your plain clothes, but you do not have the bone structure to carry off that tie; it is eating your head; take it off. Your greasy hipster wannabe self just looks like a stereotypical creep in that tie. You are changing the default bow-tie wearer in people's head from me, to limp-wristed catamite. Knock it off!
Bow-ties, generally speaking, are a mistake. Carrying off a bow-tie is, on the one hand, about physique. You need to be a specimen that does not invite ridicule, neither a pip-squeak, nor an antediluvian neanderthal of local gym fame. You have to be the well carried average; a very tall or very short man in a bow-tie makes one reach for an umbrella to stop the inevitable jet of water that will issue from said tie. When you walk, did not shuffle, tromp, or sachet. You must walk like a man! Head up! Shoulders Straight! And, for the love of all that is good in this world, pick up your feet!
The other hand, physique is but one part of the Bow-Tie Ethos. Attitude and personality are the other half. A certain reserve is required or, once again, you may have people reaching for their umbrellas. If you are too reserved, you will have people looking over their shoulders for you as they unlock their doors at night; this is by no means a desirable effect. People want the guy in the bow-tie to be cheerful, but dignified. Deep down they really want to respect the bow-tie, but you must be moderately playful, lest you strike them dumb in grave awe.
To master the bow-tie is no little thing, grasshopper, but if you do, great rewards are yours for the taking. The man who wears his bow-tie well often enjoys, free coffee, excellent restaurant service, excellent service anywhere, a marked increase in thoroughly amusing flirtation, greater respect (often awe) from a large portion of mankind, assumed honesty, and a +5 bonus in all social interactions with ladies and black men between the ages of alive and dead.
On the marked downside, one does not receive the same kudos from large portions of the Onslow school of masculinity, but...sacrifices, sacrifices....
I can honestly say that life has been a lot more interesting since I donned my symbol of office (which office is "Bow-Tie Guy"). I am separate, memorable, and respected, which is quite a coveted set of attributes for a young man with a face that--unshaven--marks him younger than he actually is. I do not care for idea of a bow-tie trend because, at this moment, I am totally outside the lines of stereotypes. I am a physically fit, sociable, and moderately attractive young man, with my own distinct and bold, yet somehow classic, look. Not only that, but my manners and mannerisms match with the look, which, now that I've written all of this, might be the thing that actually separates me most, and frustrates me most about potential copy-cats. I feel a twist of anger and contempt when I hear the term--beg pardon, but I am not censoring tonight--motherfuckers, being used by the troglodytes who are wearing the bow-ties that I inspired them to buy.
Maybe in my head I was taking what I read in Paul Fussell too seriously. I believe in the power of uniform to civilize, and for me there is no article of menswear that bespeaks civility quite like the bow-tie, but I need to reflect; putting the physical incarnation of epicurean narcissism--the nineteen year-old American male--in a bow-tie will not turn him into a human being all at once. A bow-tie is not, after all, full military, dress style, uniform--complete with thirty six gleaming brass buttons
I am, however, selfish. I do not answer the above reflection with "give it time and more bow ties," but rather, "Oh noes, they are covering the symbol of office with their sub-simian first impressions. Hide the bow-ties!" I have a good thing going, and I don't think company is going to make it any better. So I now discourage many potential imitators, and have long since given over the fight to have bow-ties at work.
To try and summarize the above. Bow-ties, good. Young males, bad. Young mans get young mannishness on bow-tie; not good. Hide bow-ties. That's about it.
:::snort:::
ReplyDeleteYou have to be the well carried average; a very tall or very short man in a bow-tie makes one reach for an umbrella to stop the inevitable jet of water that will issue from said tie. (emphasis added)
ReplyDeleteUm, Patchy....
Oh yeah, "sashay" is the word you were looking for, not "sachet'. This is what big sisters are for. You're welcome.
To quote Dr Who. "Bow ties are cool!"
ReplyDeleteBow Ties can be cool, but the cool ones are very hard to find. My 2 favorite places for bow ties are ben silver and www.bowtieclub.com
ReplyDeleteDear Shewoof, a leprechaun I may well be, but I also have magic to make me seem taller, so I am exempt.
ReplyDeleteAnd give me some credit, having one misspelled word in a blog post written while I was dead tired is hardly a mortal sin. I thought for sure I would come out sounding like K....
@ Anonymous. I know bow-tie club well, but I will have to check out this "Ben Silver."
See, though Patrick might not be taller than short he does not make the mistake of accessorizing his bow tie with his clothes. THAT is awful.
ReplyDelete