Tuesday, January 18, 2011


8:16 PM Posted by Patrick 2 comments
Our house has ghosts. This is the only possible explanation for the many odd noises that pervade our house at night.

At least once a week I wake to the sound of shouts and other loud semi-human noises, when I raise myself up on my elbows, the voices fall silent. But, clever ghosts that they are, they use the voice--and at times the body--of my beloved brother Jonathan to convey their messages from the beyond.

Being wide awake at this point, I start to make my way to the stairs...but wait, what was that?!

"Aha," I say to myself, "a Sus Scrofa Domestica has found its way into my beloved sister's room!" I haste me down the hall to make bacon of the interloper before it has time to begin gobbling fripperies.

But what is this? It has escaped somehow! I crane my head around the door, but there is none but the sister to be found.

At this point I know something is amuck.

I am about to turn to go back to the stairs, when such ferocious snarling as no man has ever heard breaks out from the master bedroom. "Gadzooks," I declare, "some pack of ravening beasts is eating my parents!"

At first I am tempted to make good my escape, to leave my loved ones to the wolf/bear/sabre tooth tiger/emo vocalist that is devouring them. Then, however, I come to my senses and realize that this is a moment every boy dreams of; that is, saving others from a ravening animal by sheer, masculine, strength and rugged good looks.

Granted, there would not be any girls around to see it, but I could hope for a good retelling. Anyway....

I burst boldly through the door, but, hark; there is no sign of the monsters. So much for glory.

At this points, tired from the anticipated battle, I begin to head back to my room. That is when i realize that the monsters did not go out the window--as I had first thought, but had doubled through the office and gone down the hall to take up their villainies in room in which I began! What is more, it sounded as if they were right on top of Jonathan and preparing to maul the life from him....

When I finally got there, however, it had made another neat escape.

At this point I realized that there was no use sleeping, so I took up my watch downstairs. I browse Gmail, Facebook, and Drudge for any clues on how to deal with these monsters.

At long last, I head back up the stairs to try and get back to sleep. All at once, all of the noises from all the strange occurrences break out at once! I rush to each door in turn, but each room appears empty when I get there.

That is when I realized; the house is full of very noisy ghosts.