Thursday, November 19, 2009

A New Breakthrough in Breast-Cancer Prevention

2:37 PM Posted by Patrick 7 comments
*Warning: Bitter Satire Ahead*

In their eternal wisdom the federal Illuminati have discovered the secret to lower rates of fatality by breast cancer; we will now treat cancer by appeasement.

After holding long diplomatic talks with the cancers, a Federal panel became convinced that the breast cancer would leave us alone if only we would stop fighting it. "The vast majority of breast cancers are benign and the rest might be as well if we would only stop persecuting them, they would leave us alone" said one official. These words come on the heels of recent findings that attempts at breast cancer prevention were actually counter productive. The official continued on to say that breast cancer was actually a "cancer of peace" that has long been inflamed by US medical intervention.

The Panel found that current measures taken by the US medical professionals were "too expensive" and "came at the cost of too many innocent cancers that were not any danger to anyone; cancers that women would die with, not of." The federal panel found that the US stood to benefit from stepping down its cancer prevention and opting instead for a more humane approach. A member of the panel said in a recent interview that the US should "immediately withdraw from breast cancer prevention and then starting cutting back our bloated medical profession." Taking these measures, he said, would inevitably "elevate us back to leadership in the eyes of the world."

However, there are some idiot cranks and loons who are still in favour of breast cancer prevention. Said one money-grubbing quack "Regular screening is a big reason that deaths from breast cancer have been reduced so much in the last fifteen years." Even if his assertion that breast cancer, which we all know to be peaceful, kills people were true, there is no reason to believe that screening could prevent those deaths.

It should speak much to our readers that the only people who stand in favour of preventative measures are those who stand to gain from it, that is, doctors, women, men with wives, people who give a damn about other people, and anyone who has not yet received the White House political directive. That this kind of blind bigotry and partisanship should exist in the US makes me want to vomit and move to Canada.

If we are ever to prevent future clashes with breast-cancer, we must stop prevention and treatment immediately.

*A Word from the Author*

When I first saw the findings of the federal panel, I wanted to vomit. The fact that they want women to stop doing self checks as well shows us what they really want. When they make their bid to take over healthcare, they do not want to treat women's breast cancer. They want the breast cancer to be untreatable when they finally do catch it. This is the most sickening money saving device I have ever seen, and I would gladly be party to the beating of whoever decided this was a good idea. A cancer on everyone who had a hand in this filth.


  1. I though this was an allegory. It's even worse if it isn't.

  2. I heard someone on the news earlier saying, "This is about decreasing the number of cancers that are treated. This is about treating fewer patients. And yes, women will die."

    Yeah, didn't we already figure that out?

  3. It is an allegory triggered by my utter disgust on the recent findings by a federal panel of soulless bureaucratic trolls in regards to breast cancer.

    They feign empathy even as they prepare themselves to pull the plug.

  4. And here I thought you were making commentary on terrorism.

  5. That's what I thought too, Katsuke.

  6. And here I was thinking you were copying...

  7. I was doing both.

    And I am not surprised that the onion got in on this action. Current leadership makes it too easy.